So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
