you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
