life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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