We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
