so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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