I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
