i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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