Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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