i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
