I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
