Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
