It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
