Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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