did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
