Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
