five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
