So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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