I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
