If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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