I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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