I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
