omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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