youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
