I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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