I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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