so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
