i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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