I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
