please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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