We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
