I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
