the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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