if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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