I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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