I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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