69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
