You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
