I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
