I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
