have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
