Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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