i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
