he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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