so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
