I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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