I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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