Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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