I met the friendliest cop last night
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
