Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
