sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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