I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
try to milk me bitch
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