FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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