i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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