Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize