It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
