It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Randomize
