The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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