Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even the bartender felt bad for me
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
